Butchering Syntax? Ya Betcha!

 
"She's Gone Oh I, Oh I'd
better learn how to face it
She's Gone Oh I, Oh I'd
pay the devil to replace her
She's Gone - what went wrong?"

Nothing! Because she's not gone. She keeps popping up like HSV Type 2. She's The Neverending Story. She's excruciating. She's the rock forever rolling down the side of the mountain and I'm Sisyphus. Only I'm pissed. And I ain't finding the peace and inner understanding in the absurdity of it all, Albert baby.

Goddamit!

I finally break down and get cable on election night and now, flipping through countless channels full of home shopping networks and Chuck Norris ab contraptions, I feel like I'm part of a sick game of Alaskan roulette. There she is not making sense with Matt. Here she comes running-on her sentences with Larry. Here we have her clad in her (Neiman Marcus?) trademark business suit and rimless glasses, inserting moose hot dogs into cheesy buns, hangin' with Greta. By the way, awful face job Ms. van Susteren. Any more lift and you'd have ended up with a goatee...two, three, four. I'll let that one sink in. I'll be here all week. Tip your servers well.

Exhibit one: "My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars."

Pardon my admittedly middle-of-the-road command of the Queen's English but: WTF? The above-listed paragraph ought to elicit a more emphatic what-what-whaaaaat than Mike Barnicle's double take a few days ago on "Morning Joe."

Exhibit two: "Sitting here in these chairs that I’m going to be proposing but in working with these governors who again on the front lines are forced to and its our privileged obligation to find solutions to the challenges facing our own states every day being held accountable, not being just one of many just casting votes or voting present every once in awhile, we don’t get away with that."

Again, excuse my lack of cooth and tact but is it possible our Wild Wordswoman of Wasilla is some sort of retarded person? Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just don't want someone like that in charge of the most influential and powerful country (for now) in the world. Not now, not in 2012, not ever. The language skeelz (or lack thereof) speak for themselves. If the GOP is to re-tool itself into what it once was (see Lincoln), it needs to somehow ameliorate the ambition of this weird woman, and keep her up in Alaska, hunting elk out of helicopters. By the way, hunting animals with high-powered weapons can only be called sport if both sides are equally armed, no? But I digress.

To Matt Lauer, Larry King, Greta van Susteren and the rest of these self-important talking head bozos I bequeath what Dick Cavett once said to an elusive guest: "Were you able to hear any part of my question?"

In closing, I leave you with this gem of an interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer:

BLITZER: Let’s talk about some of the current issues on the agenda right now. And I speak to you as someone who is a emerging as a potential leader, not only in the Republican Party, but maybe if you want to run again for president or vice president down the road.

Right now a big issue, should the U.S. government, the federal government bail out the Detroit — the big three automakers?

PALIN: Oh, that is the discussion of the day. And there is going to come a point here where absolutely the federal government must play an appropriate role in shoring up some of these industries that are hurting and will ultimately hurt our entire economy and the world’s economy if there aren’t some better decisions being made.

But we also have to start shifting some debate here in our country and start talking about personal responsibility and responsibility of management in some of these corporations and companies so that from henceforth it’s not assumed that the federal government is going to be bailing out everybody who is going to soon line up, Wolf, for more taxpayer assistance.

And I’m talking about personal responsibility too in terms of homeowners and in terms of folks who maybe have extended their own credit. Sure, predatory lenders are to blame in all of this also, but we have got to make sure, for instance, we’re not talked into buying a $300,000 house, because really we know we can only afford a $100,000 house.

And we’ve got to start living those lessons that we try to teach our children in terms of not living beyond our means and extending our own personal credit to the point of not being able to pay our monthly bills and then expecting government to grow and be the answer.

BLITZER: So, sorry, I’m still waiting for the answer, should the government bail out the big three automakers?

Owned!