Americans Are Too Depressed To Have Sex

 


So says the porn industry whose tongue-in...(averted gaze)-cheek request for a $5 billion bailout from the federal government is making waves all over the Internets and "old media" this morning.

Puh-leeaze, I've been saying this since last autumn. What with all the Ponzi schemes, CEO suicides, and the general collapse of capitalism, the lustre is gone! My daily visits to various fetish and Ukrainian midget domination sites have decreased from about 40-45, to no more than 5 or 6. All on work PCs, of course; I wouldn't want to infect my home machine with any kind of adware or spyware, I mean really. What am I, some schmuck on wheels?

According to porn magnate Larry Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" king Joe Francis, the porn industry is not recession proof. TMZ website reports that the Dynamic Duo of porn will be heading to Washington to ask for a $5 billion porn bailout.

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind," Flynt says. "It's time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America."

Francis sees his industry like the big three automakers, only BIGGER: "Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation's most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration."

And why not? According to an article in the Atlantic, video sales have been falling by 15 percent a year since 2005, and online content doesn't deliver the returns it used to, now that Web sites such as RedTube and PornHub basically give it away. Struggling companies need investors to help buttress their operations, and those that are thriving in a brutal market need funding for growth.

But don't despair, Nation's Pornographers: enter AdultVest, a hedge fund run by Francis Koenig that invests in porn-related assets. He sees the porn downturn as temporary and believes that technological improvements will trigger a turnaround.

One example: iPorn, a start-up in AdultVest's portfolio that is developing an application to deliver porn to the Apple iPod. Personally, I'm holding my breath until it's feasible to actually have intercourse with our iPods. I mean, why not? They do pretty much everything else.

"The industry's not going anywhere," Koenig says. "You've got 6 billion people on the planet," he laughs, "and they're all horny."

True that. Now let me get back to...work. I feel a slight tingle in my loins already. Things are looking up, my friends. Pun intended.

Mr. Burris Goes To (And Is Booted Out Of) Washington

Photo: NY Times

Roland Burris, appointed senator by embattled Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, was just given "the high hat" by the Beltway Boys.

Burris, President-elect Obama's successor (for now) was turned away when he appeared at the U.S. Capitol to take his seat. Upon entering the revered bastion of Democracy, Burris was bum-rushed by a mob of reporters. Capitol police officers tried to clear a path for Mr. Burris. According to the NY Times, one officer shouted: “You can’t keep a regular citizen from walking into the Capitol.”

Citizen Burris managed to somehow make his way to the office of Nancy Erickson, the secretary of the Senate, to whom he presented his credentials. She promptly and swiftly rejected them.

After getting the big yoke by the metaphorical bouncer of the joint, Burris hurriedly walked out into the D.C. rain and announced the rejection to a large throng of reporters and cameras. (I said THRONG. Stop snickering)

Woe is he. Welcome to Washington, Señor...now beat it!

This story is breaking, so stay tuned for juicy updates and perhaps more colorful hi jinks and backslapping from other mischievous lawmakers on the Hill.

BREAKING NEWS: Senator Diane Feinstein supports the seating of Roland Burris.

Well now, this makes it even more of a hot potato for the Donkeys. Will he or won't he? I think the Dems need to act on this soon---as in tomorrow---before it gets out of hand (hot potato pun intended). If Burris is seated and Blagojevich is indicted, the lieutenant governor has the right to name his own choice, thus bringing to 3 the number of senators from Illinois. That'd be just like having two popes, remember? One in Avignon, the other in Rome. Of course not, before your time. And that means then that the Supreme Court will have to get involved and decide. And we saw what a clusterfuck they bestowed upon us the last time they were called in.

Bush Bypasses Cheney To Make Grab at Green Legacy

The Mariana Trench is to be made a National Marine Monument

Briefly front page news on NYTimes.com.

The Guardian corroborates their story.

Even Science backs them up.

On his way out the door, Bush has actually done something that the media seems to be accepting at face value. He has designated an area "195,280 square miles, an area larger than the states of Washington and Oregon combined" protected as National marine monuments by way of the federal Antiquities Act. Environmentalists are ecstatic. Commercial fishing is blocked. Scientific research is encouraged and from all reports, limited US military activity will be allowed but will not pose much danger to the area.

Of course this is great news. I'll be honest, though. I don't trust the goodness. Not from Bush. I'm all for the benefits to the wildlife and the underwater mountain ranges. But, there's got to be a limitation in there that will show itself in the form of some profiteer's disregard for life. 

A couple of things I'll be keeping my eye on:

"only the waters between the ocean floor and the rim of the Mariana Trench will be protected - not those rising from the rim to the surface of the water" 

and "mining and energy exploration within the protected areas" will go on.