Americans Are Too Depressed To Have Sex

 


So says the porn industry whose tongue-in...(averted gaze)-cheek request for a $5 billion bailout from the federal government is making waves all over the Internets and "old media" this morning.

Puh-leeaze, I've been saying this since last autumn. What with all the Ponzi schemes, CEO suicides, and the general collapse of capitalism, the lustre is gone! My daily visits to various fetish and Ukrainian midget domination sites have decreased from about 40-45, to no more than 5 or 6. All on work PCs, of course; I wouldn't want to infect my home machine with any kind of adware or spyware, I mean really. What am I, some schmuck on wheels?

According to porn magnate Larry Flynt and "Girls Gone Wild" king Joe Francis, the porn industry is not recession proof. TMZ website reports that the Dynamic Duo of porn will be heading to Washington to ask for a $5 billion porn bailout.

"With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind," Flynt says. "It's time for Congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America."

Francis sees his industry like the big three automakers, only BIGGER: "Congress seems willing to help shore up our nation's most important businesses; we feel we deserve the same consideration."

And why not? According to an article in the Atlantic, video sales have been falling by 15 percent a year since 2005, and online content doesn't deliver the returns it used to, now that Web sites such as RedTube and PornHub basically give it away. Struggling companies need investors to help buttress their operations, and those that are thriving in a brutal market need funding for growth.

But don't despair, Nation's Pornographers: enter AdultVest, a hedge fund run by Francis Koenig that invests in porn-related assets. He sees the porn downturn as temporary and believes that technological improvements will trigger a turnaround.

One example: iPorn, a start-up in AdultVest's portfolio that is developing an application to deliver porn to the Apple iPod. Personally, I'm holding my breath until it's feasible to actually have intercourse with our iPods. I mean, why not? They do pretty much everything else.

"The industry's not going anywhere," Koenig says. "You've got 6 billion people on the planet," he laughs, "and they're all horny."

True that. Now let me get back to...work. I feel a slight tingle in my loins already. Things are looking up, my friends. Pun intended.