Monday, November 3, 2008

Conservative Candidates: Stop Butchering My Second Language

Open Letter From An East Coast Immigrant Elitist Who Can Still Tell (and Spell) The Difference Between the Plural and the Possessive.

Please, stop the linguistic madness. I can't take it anymore! Andy White, William Strunk, Maxwell Perkins, and James Thurber are donning tutus, doing pirouettes in their respective six-foot holes.

Let's begin with the most obvious, most covered, and widely ridiculed abberation of the last eight years: Nukular. I fully realize the cute alternative is "nukes" but please don't superglue part of the diminutive to the real word. Make an effort and push that tongue up to the roof of the mouth for the "Lee" sound: do it with me, come on now; I've had to learn your bloody language from scratch at age 10 in spite of awful harassment from asshole 5th graders with bowl haircuts and Toughskins jeans, and if a schlub like me can do it, surely you can too: New-klee-uhr. One more time, use that tongue skillfully (there's a nasty joke involving congressmen and subordinate male pages in here somewhere). Atta boys!

Next is our favorite bottom dweller: The Pundit. Not "Pundant," not "Punit," just... PUNDIT. This is someone who offers to mass-media his/her opinion or commentary on a particular subject area (most typically political analysis, the social sciences, or sport), on which he/she is presumed to be knowledgeable. You've dealt with this despicable specimen all your political lives; you ought to be able to say it correctly by now: PUN-DIT. Atta girls!

Third down the list is Candidate. You are one of these, therefore you must pronounce it correctly. Don't be lazy now---"Canadates" are social or romantic interludes with our neighbo(u)rs to the north; we love them, even though they have a lousy sense of humo(u)r (yes I mean you, Herb Dixon!) . CanDIdates are self-centered egomaniacal ecclesiastics like yourselves, running on baseless promises and fear tactics.

Lastly, in articulating words such as Winning, Saying, Writing, Campaigning, and Reading, the last letter/consonant "g" is NOT silent; it is pronounced. While y'all may be fond of all the hootin' and hollerin' at y'alls rallies, and shootin' at North American elk from various dirigibles and flyin' machines, enunciatin' yer vernacular like Tom Joad does not make you part of the workin' class. Neither is folksiness an endearing personality trait when staring down a pissed-off Ayatollah with his finger on the Launch button.

So, please people...with one day left in this electoral mud-slinging maelstrom, let's go out there and do it right for The Gipper. Ronnie would've never truncated or butchered this great, American language of ours. Its the right thing to do.
I mean, "it's."
No, "its."


Anonymous said...

hey! i take issue with that canadian humour comment mister.

wiki list of canadian comedians

there are one or two funny people from canada.

B.E. Earl said...

I hate the butchering of "Warshington D.C."

stefaddink said...

Ugh, Warshington is big around here too. I cringe! I hate when people pronounce things incorrectly.

Though I must admit I'm bad about sayin' things without the g on the end. Shame! I'm tryin' to do better.

JJisafool said...

They aren't speaking English. They are speaking in Folksese. That's differnt.

anna said...

Isn't it funny how some immigrants speak better english than the 'mericans? I think my obsession with proper grammar came from my immigrant parents insisting I speak clearly and correctly.

Though it should only be fair that I admit to having a soft spot for "Warshington." Goddamn, I love me some Midwesterner!

Anonymous said...

Having lived in the Murder Capital of the United States in the 80s and 90s, I can honestly say I don't miss me any Warshington, Washington, or whatever in hell else they call it nowadays.